Merah The Fallen Angel - Story by Merowingg

[Merowingg]

Hello Gentlemen

Inspired by accidental talk with Rman I will post my fantasy story here I will continue it step by step, wheneve I will like to do so.

Any similarities to anything, a book, a movie, a game, life, anything may be both accidental and on purpose. I will spread my wings of imagination here based of anything I have ever seen, or heard.

There is no need to say "it is from X movie, it is not yours" I agree, and disagree with you already. As I said I will create my own story, in my own way, based more or less, or not at all at my life experience.

I want to say that I do not want anyone to use my story anywhere as who knows, maybe one day I will try to publish it I was alreadty told by few people to express my imagination and try. If you want to share my work anywhere I would be obliged if you ask me if you may, and then I will allow if it will be as my work, or quotation of my work. I know I cannot do anything about what you will do with my work, so please be kind, and treat it as Gentlemen agreement.

I am happy to hear what you think, what did you like, what did you didn't like, comments of any kind I will be happy to see.

I have no idea how it will go, I will imagine it step by step, it may turn out to be terrible, then I will quit or try to rescue it.

I have never written anything so please do not kill me. I am sorry for all gramamtical mistakes, I will try to focus on the plot mainly, but it will be great linguisitc experience as well.

I have to invent a way of separating the story from the other post that I hope.. will ever appear.. so.. maybe I will type Part one, two three, at the beginning of each story post? any better ideas?

The posts with the story will be containing the story only, the others will function the normal way

Why I will type it here? because I like you I know it is not a writting forum, but I think I will not be banned for that eh?

Rman dare me not to use a single smiley in the story and it will be as he requested, insisted, implied!

I decided to punish him violently for that, and in the story a old man called Rmann will appear

The main character will be a girl called Merah all similarities to Mero, as my friends call me, are right! I have invented her name on my way to work, it is something like Sarah, but Merah I want to say I may happen to use smileys here not in the story posts, but I will do my best to limit them as a sort of than to people wha in this or other way learned me how to work on forum and on my all way here.

Please don't kill me with deadly critics.. I am a complete beginner.

I just want to express my imagination.

Anny comments, advices, to language, layout and so on are vwery welcomed.

The story itself cannot be implied on me fo example "please make Penelope fly old mankies" will not be followed, what is more I will have to make it completely other way to feel safe, so please just don't.

Let's the story begin.

Ah the title of the story may be contemporary I invented it on the way to work too.. 20 creative minutes it was

Whatever happens in the future.. I may happen to fight for stealing intelectual property.. even if worthless. No need to say I can do nothing, I am just saying.

The parts may be very short or very long, I entirely rule here

Let's try to kill smileys! 3.. 2.. 1...

[Merowingg]

Part One "Let's Pack"

Merah knew it was just the beginning, it was all to be so simple she thought.. it did not matter anymore.. the most important was to pack quickly.
She decided to prepare weapons at first, without them it would be all over in few hours.
First of all the revolver rifle.. a rifle and sword in one well prepared, wle thought, well ornamented piece of craftsmenship. She knew it is worth enormous amount of money, a gift from her grandfather who give it to her when she was ten years old.
When she was given the box she was expecting a beutiful doll, she could barely hold the box at that time..
When she opened the box she was surprised, but not dosappointed.. rather curious. She remember her grandpa saying "I knew you will like it"
But what is it she said then?
You will learn soon - he answered.
At that time it was somehow nice piece of metal. She remeber her grandfather saying be careful and try not to cut yourself, and do not touch this little thing,
“ it is a trigger he said.”
The funny thing is.. the first thing Merah did at that moment was grabbing the thing near this so called "trigger"
Do not touch it I am worning you young lady - grandpa said.
Merah get angry and said "if it is mine why I cannot play with it?"
My dear Merah grandpa said, you will get bored with it, you will hate it, and you will love it at the same time. But for now it is for your safety not to touch it.
It is pretty Merah said, placing the hand even more closely to "the trigger"
Merah my dear I will tell you anything about this thing, but you must listen to me.
Grandpa made thios face expression, the one she knew it is the last worning.
She placed it back in the box saying - how is that colled?
You may call it as you want said grandpa.
But I do not know what is it she said..

You will find a good name for it when you will start using it I assure you.
Merah was looking at the thing, it was somehow beutiful, well ornamented, looked heavy but in fact wasn't. Well it was too heavy for her at that time, but she was certain she had seen such things to be much heavier.
What is that handle for she asked? It opens the semi sword grandba said.
Cool Merah replied, what is a semi sword she asked?
Not now grandpa said, not now, lets go eat dinner.
But may I take it Merah said?
Of course grandpa said, it is yours.
Merah proudly started to carry the quite big box, it looked so funny when she was carrying it. Her grandpa knew that in few years it will be the deadlest weapon ever seen at this side of the globe, not because the weapon itself is so great, but because it will be Merah who will master it.
Merah realised she was recalling things for too long, but no long enough to check the weapon. Blue Rose, because that was the name she gave to the weapon few years after she received it from her grandfather, was a revolver sword rifle. It looked mainly as some sort of sword, at this stage it was a revolver, but the barrel was so long that it was resembling the features of a rifle.
The great thing was, there was two separate revolvers in it, next to each other, those could be fired separately, or two bullets at the same time. Its capacity was seven buletts for each revolver. Fourteen bullets turned out not to be enough few times already, so she got this upgrade, this clip thing in three sets. She payed the blacksmith fortune to preapare it for her. The worst thing was not the payment, buit the fact she had to be next to him all the time he worked on it, just in case he didn't want to steal it.
Finally he said "You have three of those, one for instant action, the second one to reload, the third.. because there is never enough - and he started to laugh.
But remeber! before you inser those, take out the revolvers part, and insert this, like that - here the blacksmith entered something small into the place where a moment before was the revolvers parts.
The capacity of the clips is 72 - he said. Those are made in such a way that will protect your hands while sword fighting. Do you want to buy extra bullets he asked?
How much Merah asked,
You know me blacksmith answered. She was happy firing 72 bullets in series or one by one was grait, but there was a catch.. there was this recoil.. and revolver is a revolver..
Yeah.. Merah knew him very well.. it ment it will cost a lot.
Two hundred and sexteen she said.
Two hundred and sixteen? why? so strange? He asked.
Think about it Merah said.
She knew he could hardly calculate bigger numbers, but as a blacksmith, or shall se say craftsman, he was one of a kind.
The sword part of the revolver rifle was designed for close combat, within second after pulling the little trigger, a quite long dagger-sword was opening from the main part. It was really long, but not long enough to be called a sword. At the same time it was longer than many typical daggers.
With such unique design - firing, cutting, and firing, all changing in a blink of an eye was simply like ballet.
I need to hurry - she thought again - I need to hurry.. damn I am still just beginning..

[Rman Virgil]

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Captivating. I want to spend more time with these characters, in their world that is familiar and strange at the same time.

A very good beginning.

There are minor technical issues, easily fixed. I know English is not your native language so these minor issues of grammar, syntax, spelling and punctuation conventions won't come natural. But like I said, easily fixed. The important things are all there. You have talent. No question about that. And you know, everything comes back to story. Everything. Try to imagine anything without story. Your very identity even. You can't. The gift of storytelling is very powerful indeed.

Keep going.

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[Rman Virgil]

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It's a long-standing tradition in the fantasy genre (which I do myself) of creating a map of the story world.

Have you done that yet..?

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[Merowingg]

Hello Rman.

I know about the problems with all those things, due to my occupation I shall be ashamed I suppose and partly I am. But I decided to focus on the plot. I would spend much more time to make it perfect in other aspects but for now I will not do so, what doesn't mean I do not care about it.

Rman, those are only 2 haracters, there will be much more It is going to be interesting (sh....) just read. (I have posted half of smiley here and deleated! while typing it)

I am delighted that you have decided to type here as I consider you to be perfect at this field to express opinions.

You write books Rman? And you mean a map of the word used in the book? what if it includes time? a map of each time then?

Ok let me share what I invented cutting grass with lawn remover today at work..

[Merowingg]

Part Two "Let's Pack"
Now the daggers Merah decided.
As millions of people she has all the things decided to be taken placed on her bed. She looked at the bed while approaching it, so big it is and yet I prefer to sleep on the floor sometimes she smiled.
Suddenly she heard a mobile telephone ringing just behind the door.
What? - she thought.
But at the same time the door exploded, it was during the explosion she was already jumping behind the bed and grabbing the Blue Rose and the clip from the bed, while landing behind it she managed to look what is she dealing with.
At least two men standing at each side of the door
One of them shoutung "I told you to swith this crap off!"
One of the men was running toward her with some sort of arched knife.
Thanx god no heavy units this time she thought.
She decided to try to use one of those Air techniques of weaponry mastering which she has taught during the bombing of Tarnów city.
For six months the bombers were attacking the city. One hundred of B2 planes constantly attacking twenty for well equipped filled with the best systems and the best men Bastions. Half of the year she could hear the bombs all the time.. after a week it was as normal as rain or wind. The sad truth at that time was that the bombers were bringing more and more bombs, even if the few were shot down. While the bastions could continue at heavy defense only for half of the year.
Within second she stood up hiding the revolver part in her small bag and throwing the clip into the air.
She replaced the revolver part of Blue Rose as the merchant taught her, she could see some sort of surprise in the eyes of the attacking as he wasn’t sure what is being thrown up into the air.
Merah grabbed the clip which was falling down into her hand with perfect timing.
Let's rock she thought while inserting the clip in Blue Rose and aiming the attacker who was already about three metres from her. She pulled the trigger as she did millions of times but to her great surprise nothing was fired, not even a single bullet.
The attacker who was just making the standard movement to avoid firearms attack from close distance was even more shocked.
Moron- Merah thought about the merchant who said the mechanism and the clips will be reliable.
Oh no she thought, it is me.. he said to tap it after inserting! if only I had time to try it then..
While ralising what have just happened, the attacker was preparing his arm to strike.
Merah opened the semi sword of the Blue Rose just to counter the first hit of the attacker.
Nice thing girl - the man said attacking with his second hand.
Merah noticed the other man being confused if to shot or not, he must like the first man she thought while she was jumping aside.
She tapped the clip as it was properly to be done and the trigger was pulled, at that moment Merah recalled why she called Blue Rose - Blue Rose, the blue light appearing from the barrel while she was shooting was beautiful as always but this time it was even prettier as a single revolver shot, or even few repeated did not give such effect at this magazines thing.
The attacker was falling at the floor while Merah was jumping into kitchen room.
It was now the other man begun to shoot.
It must have been one of those bigger guns sold at the black market as some of the bullets were penetrating the walls.
Time to use Feather then she thought, the energetic shield she bought years ago in one of those towns where the streets were filled with thousands of sellers. With the confidence she tapped the initiating button, hearing this long beeping sound and seeing the red led indicator flashing.
Just great she thought.. I remembered to load my mobile phone but I didn't load my shield.. will I ever learn..
The shield was a great possession of her, could stand even small rockets from those Heavies, but it had to be loaded for many hours.. and the battery lasted twenty four hours max.
The man stopped shooting he was going to reload she thought, she was thinking in her head how to move toward him through the demolished room.
She made a step forward and then she heard "bring the Watcher"
The Watcher she thought? one of those genetically modified half dogs half machines? The only thing that reminded from dogs in them were their four legs her grandfather told her. She has never seen one, but those are told to be very fast and are called Watchers not without a reason, they have implemented high technology lens which enable to see them any movement and react to the environment within half of a second.
Yea right let’s see how it will react to my bullets.
She heared some sort of deep breathing, it is here she thought, she checked the clip, half of it was empty, the other two were on what remained from bed. She rolled from the kitchen into the room and begun to fire, what she saw was beyond her imagination, the Watcher seemed to avoid her bullets at the moment she was firing each series of the bullets towards it.. it seemed to move aside at the exact moment of her pulling the trigger each time, what was worse it was running toward her all the time.
She jumped aside trying to cut the Watcher with the semi sword of Blue Rose which she didn’t even manage to holster before firing.
Another stupid mistake she thought, what if I catch something with it while moving around and not landing perfectly? What’s wrong with me?
She managed to cut the Watcher just because it slipped on the blood of the first killed man. The cut was small but deep enough to make the Watcher unstable for a moment. The eyes! they get easily blind! she thought aiming at the oven which was now just behind the Watcher.
The creature seemed to know already what is about to happen as it changed the direction of its running towards the bed to avoid the blast. It was not fast enough this time, the oven exploded and the animal hidden behind the bed, she heard this autoreparing sound.
At this very moment the other man jumped out from behind the door. Merah jumped aside while throwing the clip with its mechanism into air, placing the revolver part onto its place again.
When she landed, the clip and its part landed in her left hand, man in despair was trying to at least aim her, it was last thing he did in his life, the revolver bullet made his head explode.
She heard the watcher begun to move faster, over my dead body she thought, around his eyes small droid repair hand were working hard, not hard enough, the Watcher moved towards Merah to attack, but it was not fully repaired, and the droids automatically begun to hide while he started to move, she remember the best way it is to shot them into the left eye, and very few were told to manage to do so. If not the eye, the armour of a typical Watcher was quite strong.
She jumped aimed and shot, perfectly into left eye of the freaking dog. It was moving so fast that when she landed the dog fell down behind her. She was scared approached it aiming it all the time. Great she thought now I have about four minutes.

[Rman Virgil]

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I'm native to English and I'm the same way with my early drafts in prose fiction focusing on character, scenes, tone, color, pacing, diction & over-arching plot. I tend to go through many draft / re-writes. At least 12 for prose fiction, twice as much for poetry or lyrics and at least a handful for prose non-fiction. The re-write process is one of fresh discovery as much refinement and polish for me. Enjoyable work that, though distinctly different than the original act of creation...

The map of your fictional world would be its geography with created names and also cities, towns and roads.

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[Merowingg]

Yes I know, I remember some PM talks where I figuret out you do like books, and maybe ven to write them, or poems.

Speaking of which, did you fianlly ordered this first book of The Witcher saga?

And what do you think about the plot of my story itself in the second part? I think I made many people hate it after the mobile phone word? what about you?

I was just told by my friend to type in text editor.. what an epic fail of mine here that I didnt think about it earlier, then I will simply paste it here.

I understand the map thing now.

[Rman Virgil]

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I did get the Witcher book. Good.

I'm saving your Part 2 for later today. When I get off work I have to catch a flight from Colorado to California. I'll start it at the airport while await boarding. Something to look forward to. My least favorite time - waiting for take-off.

"Mobile phone word.... " .? Dunno what that's refering to....

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[Jabol]

In English, this sounds pretty good. Not sure about Polish version... Is this possible for you to give me/us a Polish version of your story, please?

[Merowingg]

Oh no.. rman you do not remember that word, not until queue!

And you mean the book is good? and it is one of seven man..

Jabol thank you, and sorry but I do not have Polish version and I doubt soon there will be. I type it in English to practice it.

[Rman Virgil]

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"The Last Wish" was the one I read and I enjoyed it.

These days 90% of what I read is non-fiction. The 10% fiction I read is predominantly Short Stories, Poetry and Plays. I may read a couple novels year. For many years I read a novel a day. But thats behind me.

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[Rman Virgil]

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Hey Mero did you know that one of great writers in the English language was Polish and didn't learn English till he was in his twenties....? He was born Józef Teodor Konrad Korzeniowski. To the English literary world he's always been known Joeseph Conrad. Many of his major works have been made into movies.

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[Searge-Major]

Mero, just wondering, is there anybody you could get to proof-read that for you? Just speaking purely for myself, it's a little hard to get the meaning in parts. Great story though.

...And you know, everything comes back to story. Everything. Try to imagine anything without story. Your very identity even. You can't. The gift of storytelling is very powerful indeed.
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Very true, I did a story-telling (not writing) course for a semester a couple of years back, and it changed the way I read everything. It is an exceptional ability, and I have great respect for "natural" story-tellers.

Regards, Searge

[Rman Virgil]

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Now I understand what you meant by the mobile phone reference. When you asked I had only read part 1. Now I just finished part 2. Before you used that ref the impression was that it was not a high tech world. As soon as you used it you gave the story a fixed time and so far I don't see what you gain over part 1.

You've cleaned up a lot of the typos. Good.

Now you need to "ventilate" your blocks of text. Give some breathing space so your readers can follow better.

2 things that will help.

1.) Break up the big block of text into shorter paragraphs.

2.) Seperate out ALL dialogue from your narrative paragraphs and use quotation marks. This would include internal monologue.

If you want I can take some of part 2 and reformat it as an example of what I mean.. Tomorrow. Unless you got a handle on it already.

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